Those Baby Blues

Okay. I gotta post about the "baby blues" because I'm finally over them, and they freaked me out like crazy. I want other new moms to know what I went through so they maybe won't feel so crazy if they experience the same thing.


So, the first week-ish home was not that big of a deal to me. It was pretty easy, really, because Samuel slept so much. After the first 4-5 days though, holy cow. All hell broke loose. He started crying a LOT more, and we couldn't figure out why.  Then my incision started leaking fluid. (I know, trust me, it was every bit as disgusting as it sounds.) So then I was super freaked out that it was getting infected. And I think it might have been, but I started on antibiotics that same night and I'm pretty sure that made all the difference. On top of that, Sam was starting to breastfeed for 30 minutes to an hour every time. I was worn out and drained, literally. So with all that, plus the pain from the incision, plus my insane emotions, I was at the end of my rope. I was crying over anything and everything. I felt like a horrible mother because I didn't feel like I could comfort or take care of my son, and how pathetic was that? I felt like such a failure, and so frustrated. And sad, because this new life was NOT all daisies and roses like I thought it would be. I mean, I knew it would be tiring, but I didn't expect to feel so depressed about it all. I felt like my life was over, and this new one totally SUCKED. Sometimes thoughts would go through my mind like, "Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mom and I should give him up for adoption so he has a good life with a good mom who knows what she's doing," etc. And I would cry. And then I would feel even sadder because the thought of being without my baby boy was horrible. And I would cry some more. On top of that, as my breastmilk decreased and kept on decreasing, I felt like an even worse mother because I couldn't provide "good" nutrition for my baby. More crying. And then looking in the mirror...ugh. Having a baby changes your body. I knew that would happen, but seeing that on top of everything else...it was like the icing on the crying cake. So with all that, plus trying to remember what time I last took meds, what time I last breastfed him, plus sheer exhaustion on top of all that, I was majorly down in the dumps. I thought I should be able to do it all, and know what I'm doing, no problem. Every other mom seemed to inherently know all these "mom" things; why didn't I? Everyone I talked to told me it would get better, especially after the first SIX WEEKS. That time frame is not something you wanna hear when you're at the end of your rope already after not even TWO weeks. But every day, I just kept on keeping on. The days blended together; I seriously barely even knew what day of the week it was.

One night, when we woke Samuel up for his 2:00 am feeding, he would NOT go back to sleep. Would. Not. Do it. I was up with him for two hours, then he woke up about an hour and a half after I finally got him to sleep. I was getting up with him at all feedings that night so that Jesse could get a good night's rest before work in the morning. Well, that backfired. His scream-crying woke Jesse up; he was frustrated, I was frustrated, and Sam was just downright pissed. It was a BAD, BAD night. I decided that night that I was NEVER waking this baby up at night to feed him. Never again. And then the more moms I talked to, the more I realized that like NO ONE does that, and their babies didn't starve to death during the night, so he would be okay. So that night, we let Sam wake us up when he was ready to get up, and he slept for five and a half hours straight. I woke up that next day feeling like a million freaking bucks. My level of depression went from about a 9 to a 4. It was awesome. Sleep is so important...I never realized how much so before. That decision to let Sam sleep through the night was what jump-started the end of my baby blues. Thank God, because I seriously thought that I was gonna need some depression meds. Which I was totally fine with. Just whatever it took to get back to normal. I was just ready to feel like my old self again.  

Every day since then has been better and better. Not all have been perfect, and yes, I still have my crying moments, but they are few and far between. I know what I'm doing now; I know how to take care of my baby. I know how to comfort him. I feel like a MOM now, and that has been awesome. So, new moms, or new moms-to-be, do NOT worry if, after you have your baby, you have these insane thoughts and feelings. It's normal. I promise. I thought the "baby blues" wouldn't affect me, I really did, because I don't ever get depressed, hardly ever. I barely even gave it a second thought, even though I read books that talked about it. I just thought, "Whatever, that's not gonna happen to me. Does not apply." But it did, and it was scary, feeling the way I did and not being able to do anything about it.

The biggest piece of advice I have for new mamas is this: Don't be afraid to let people help you, especially those first few weeks. Just take your pain meds, veg out on the couch, heal, and take care of that baby as best you can. And cry. Just get it out. Don't even try to hold it in because it's gonna come out anyway, like explosive diarrhea. And don't be scared. I was terrified the first two weeks. I couldn't even hardly eat I was so scared and anxious. Every time he would cry, my stomach would knot up and I would think, "Aw crap, what is it NOW? What if I can't fix it or make it better? What if he doesn't stop crying?" But even if it takes two hours, you WILL figure out what's wrong, and he WILL stop crying. And probably long before the two-hour mark. So there's nothing to be scared about. You just pick up that sweet baby and take care of him. You're his mama and the one person he wants and needs most. I didn't believe it when people would tell me that at first because I felt so stupid and clueless, but it's true. Once I got over the initial shock of my life completely changing forever, and got used to a new normal, life got a lot easier. And honestly, all the difficult days and nights are totally worth it. I'm sleepy a lot, but I don't even mind. I'm used to not getting a ton of sleep. And Diet Mt. Dew and Starbucks help a lot too. And naps. I love me some naps. And so will you. :)