Sunday, February 20, 2011

WTF Pedi

Yesterday I got a pedicure for the first time in MONTHS, since probably October at least. My feet were so ghetto and trashy. It was disgusting. I was with my mom and cousin, or "The Sisterhood," as my dad calls us. We made our usual stop at Starbucks, and then because we were in a hurry, just went to the nail salon next door to Starbucks (the one off I-240 and Penn, in case you're interested in going to that particular salon after you read this).


We walked in and went through the whole "pick-your-color-then-have-a-seat" routine. The chairs in this particular salon are placed in a circle-type pattern in the middle of the room, under an island-y bungalow thing. So theme-y and precious. Anyway, I picked out a chair, sat down, and got comfy. I slid my feet into the nice warm water, sipped my Starbucks, leaned back, and closed my eyes, sighing contentedly. The lady who had filled my water had also turned on the massage feature of my chair. It felt awesome. There were even massager things in the bottom of the seat, massaging my legs. It was nice.


So anyway, after a minute of total relaxation, I was sitting there talking to mom (who was sitting in the chair next to me), and I was right smack-dab in the middle of telling her a story, when all of a sudden my eyes got extremely wide and I was like, "WHOA!" I had just felt a massager rod attempt to go straight up my asshole. I immediately started cracking up (no pun intended) while squirming awkwardly in my chair because I mean, who expects a massager chair to randomly molest them, you know? And it wasn't just pumping once and callin' it good. Oh, no. It was doing it over...and over...and over...and over...My mom was like, "What? What's wrong?" And I said, "Don't you feel that thing in your seat? It tries to go in your anus!" I must have said this louder than I thought, because at that point, the ladies sitting in the other chairs across the circle started laughing and nodding their heads. They'd all been molested by their chairs as well. It was like an instantaneous Circle of Trust or something. We all bonded. (And no, not to our chairs.) Except for mom. That particular feature on her chair never would come on. I tried, believe me. Her reaction would have been PRICELESS. My cousin's worked though :-D. She asked me what I was talking about and I said, "Oh, just wait. You'll know when you feel it." I sat there and watched her face, and suddenly her eyes widened and she was like "Ohmygosh!" and started laughing and squirming in her seat. We couldn't believe what we were feeling from these chairs! It was NOT relaxing at all, believe me.


Well, after the molesting massage chair had gotten its feel of my ass and had moved on to other parts of my body, I began intently studying the massage controller. I turned off the anal-entry feature (or, as it was labled on the controller, "Seat Bottom." Yeah, sounds all innocent, right? Uh huh). So anyway, when I turned the anal-entry feature off, I noticed something on the screen had disappeared. Curious, I turned it back on. On the outline of the man on the screen (that's a lot of prepositional phrases in a row right there, boy howdy) I noticed that under his ass there was a little circular shape that appeared on the screen, right between his butt cheeks. Yes, this anal-entry feature was actually intended. I couldn't believe it.


So, the moral of the story is this: In the future, my anus and I will only go to "trusted" nail salons where we know the most stimulating thing we'll experience will be the caffeine coursing through my body from the Starbucks I will undoubtedly be drinking.

4 comments:

  1. Too funny! I will have to check out whether my nail salon's pedicure chair has that feature.

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  2. It'll be an experience you'll never forget, that's for sure.

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  3. Wow, I've never had a pedi before--much less a molesti-pedi. You crackers me up.

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  4. i laughed so hard it hurt and almost cried. Love ya Abbs!

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